Snotty Funny Status Messages

   Most people my age are older than me.

   Comin' up next on Mythbusters: Does Democracy REALLY work??.. ( high-speed footage of Buster being shot out of a cannon and into a voting booth.. )

   Attention Lobsters & Crabs with one super buff claw,,, Please consider working out with the other one sometimes.. You look pretty dumb OK

   Officer, I resent your accusatory tone & choice of words... FYI: She is my ‘trunk guest’,,, I served her ‘refreshments’,,, and she is ‘in repose’

   "You must not only respect the pouch, but yourself as well." - Capri-Sun Tzu

   "Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she's not herself."... *grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*

   7: Dad, why did you name me after a number?..... "It was an odd time in our lives, son"

   "And what kind of cheese do you want on that?".. My mom: "All of it?"

   The sweariest animal in all the world, is the hippopottymouth. Closely followed by me after a visit from the code enforcement officer

   It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.

   Canadian civics lesson: The Prime Minister,, is a minister who cannot be divided by any other ministers except for himself and one minister.

   I think someone used my toothbrush to scrub the toilet because my toilet tastes like toothpaste

   Paula Deen would like everyone to know she is sincerely sorry that there are other races.

   If a bear attacks you, play dead........ Ok good, you're about to feel like this forever

   *Oprah gets up to do Harvard's commencement speech*... And you get a diploma and you get a diploma and you get a diploma and you get a diploma

   *cooking omelette for wife..... Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”...Wife: “Sure baby”... * Slowly turns up Nickleback cd...

   *I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death, but my bicycle gets stuck on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*

   Most people have 32 teeth. Some have 10............................... It's actually pretty elementary meth

   Hey,,,If you watch that last episode of Cops backwards, they uncuff my Dad, let him drive off recklessly, chase him, then give up..

   Give a man A fish, and you'll feed him for a day,,, Give a man a Jellyfish, and you can pee on him...