Snotty Funny Status Messages

   Hey dude, Did you know your refrigerator running?... Yeah,, Because I don't like any of the current presidential candidates

   I think it's funny how "go to sleep " and "do parkour" sound exactly the same to my kids

   So,, If you're blind and on the toilet, do you wipe until you count to 20,, or how does that work?

   My mother-in-law has to work for "Tips",,,,,,,,,, Yeah,, You see, Nobody will put the whole thing in....

   How about we start being thankful everyday,,, then have a holiday once a year called Complainsgiving?... It could even be tied somehow to Festivus

   When one door closes and another window opens you have a ghost

   a vegan, an atheist, and a guy who does crossfit all walk into a bar... everyone else walks out of the bar.

   DOC: I'm sorry, but you only have 2 weeks to live... *I slip the Doc a 5 dollar bill*... DOC: Ooooh make that 3 weeks buddy... *I wink at my loved ones*

   welcome to HIdDen mEssages club. please help yourself To tHE snacks By the dOor and we’ll get starteD shortlY.

   "My eyes are up here." - *gift horses

   Hmmmm,,, Why are long underwear like 42% crotch?

   [Juice Bar]...... (Wildebeest disguised as man): 36 shots of wheat grass.... (Lion disguised as Bartender): Follow me out back "sir"..... *hyenas laugh*

   Being a parent in the South is so easy... You just have to shout "Simmer Down" every few days.

   Cartwheels?...... In this economy?

   If I was dyslexic,, I totally would've won Powerball last night.

   No, you idiot! I said 'avert' your eyes, not 'invert' them. Wow, that's disgusting!

   I ran out of deodorant this morning, so I spritzed on some windex..... Now birds keep crashing into my armpits

   ME: If you could sleep with... SUSAN: JOHNNY DEPP !... ME:...the fan off tonight, that'd be great. SUSAN: ohhhhh...

   How to make hard taco: 1. Buy soft taco from taco bell...2. Crush up Cialis ... 3. Sit in bath tub on dock over looking lake.. 4.wait for the right moment

   Gary Busey just kind of nonchalantly eating a tennis ball as a car salesman finishes up the paperwork... He thinks he's buying a hat.