Snotty Funny Status Messages

   every time a hipster says they can't eat gluten Zooey Dechanel gets an extra eyelash

   To find out your author name, simply take your first and last names, write a book,, get it published, and read the name on the cover.

   No matter how much lice shampoo I use it doesn't provide the sheen or volume that I get when I wash my lice with regular shampoo.

   I'm one restraining order away from a free restraining order.

   Good news is,, I got the giraffe to fit in the catapult.. Now who wants to light it on fire?

   I don't know how this Nyquil is going to affect my status updates, but I don't know how this Nyquil is going to affect my status updates.

   [boarding an airplane in west Africa]... "Have you had any diarrhea in the last 24 hours?"..."Yes. I had 2 tablespoons before bed last night."

   ALSO FACT: You eat 28 spiders in your lifetime... Always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once

   *Maury opens envelope*......................"Necessity IS the mother of Invention!"....... *Necessity jumps up and throws chair across stage*

   "Mirror, mirror; on the floor.... Who's got the biggest hemorrhoids of them all?"

   When my mom texts me, I respond, "Can't talk now, I'm driving I'll call you when I ge" then ignore all texts and calls for 4 hours./.Hi-larious

   I want a Life Alert necklace,,,, but instead of calling an ambulance it orders me a pizza

   *stands up in meeting... *wipes boss's chin... Sorry, you had some nonsense coming out of your mouth... *wipes hand on pants

   If by cold,, you mean my freezer is keeping things WARMER than the outside air temps,,, then yes it's cold...

   Just want to thank all the people who reviewed "Star Wars" on Netflix. You guys swayed me, I'll check it out

   Give a man a fish, And he'll eat for a day,,, turn a man into a fish, and I have NO IDEA I DIDNT EXPECT THAT TO WORK, KEEP SWIMMING GEORGE!! HOLD ON!?

   Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, air pressure will suck your spine out of your butt, because you forgot to wear a spacesuit....... Idiot.

   So I made up a new word: Ask-hole; Someone who constantly asks for your advise then does the exact opposite of what you told them.

   One hell of a Tuba lesson today. I nailed it.... [Anne Franks last diary entry]

   *At Olive Garden*... Waiter: Parmesan cheese, sir?.. Me: I'll tell you when to stop... Waiter:..... Me..... Waiter:..... Me:..... Waiter: Sir *crying* my arm... Me: I'll tell you when.