Snotty Funny Status Messages

   Top 3 Baby Names of 2020....1) "👌"... 2) "😜"... 3) "🚬"

   I Just saw a dude with a pic of his truck airbrushed on the tailgate of his truck... The awesomeness of it,, melted my face and got my wife pregnant.

   I kissed with an ohmless girl last night............. There was very little resistance

   The police knocked on my door last night and said my dog had chased someone on a bike... I called Bullcr*p..... My dog doesn't have a bike..

   What's Obama's last name again?. I always forget

   My boss is asking me to turn my reports in on time..... *like I DON'T write crappy jokes online for no pay lol*

   500,000 people signed up for Obamacare and the McRib is back... You do the math.

   Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.

   [writing my first autopsy report].. There was a slight mix-up initially but as it turned out, this guy actually died from an accidental autopsy

   O.K.... Now it's the scientists' turn to hide,,, and the Higgs boson has to find them

   If the US admits that Trump's presidential campaign is a hoax,,, then Australia says it'll come clean about the platypus.

   Dear Santa, the cookies are real,, NOT gluten free, and there's normal mink,, NOT soy milk,,,, so you don't sh *t all over our chimney like last year

   Remember,,, Great sex is one involuntary fart away from being funny sex

   (snail newsroom) "Another slow news day, fellas?".. *Newsroom erupts into laughter... {snails start a slow-clap}

   Tyler Durden: The first rule of Flight Club is: You do not talk about Flight Club.

   Tell me how many bottles you have on your bathroom sink and I'll tell you how many women you live with. 20 bottles? Buddy, that's one woman.

   Yelp ,,, But for public bathrooms that are clean enough to take your kid into.

   The problem with Chinese New Year is that you're ready for another new year only an hour later.

   Sad news. Morgan Freeman passed away again today. ..This is twice in two months

   I want an app. that tells me if my post sucked,, or my timing did.