Snotty Funny Status Messages

   My work as a suicide counselor was short-lived.

   float like a butterfly, sting like a bee, squeak like a rat, swim like a dolphin,,, welcome to the shapeshifter club, please turn into a seat

   It's 2013 and I'm pretty disappointed that scientists have yet to introduce bbq or cool ranch alternatives to our plain salt-flavored tears

   Willy Wonka is put on death row. Requests Everlasting Gobstopper as final meal.....LOL, Lives forever.

   Welcome to taco bell may I take your order? "... I'd like 2 tancos, a enchilanto, a brampino, a grondalito, and a small spripe,,, thanks"

   Let's turn this Pizza Hut into a pizza home.

   I'm SO flexible,,,, I end up putting my foot in my mouth daily.

   I'm so bad at sex when we get done,, oompa loompas enter the room and sing a catchy & belittling song...

   If Mark Hamill doesn't enter the room and shout "It's Hamill Time!",, In this next movie,, I'm gonna be dissapionted

   If there's one thing I hate, it's self-loathing... If there's two things I hate, it's self-loathing and myself.

   They say you will eat approximately 23 spiders in your life,,, but really you can eat as many as you want.. Treat yourself, you deserve it.

   *walks into CVS*...."Hi, sorry I have another return. This brand of dental floss tastes like blood too."

   [restaurant] *chef slams block of cheese down on plate... Me: But… Chef: Look, This is the best cheese in the world. It doesn't get any grater

   Get laser hair removal they said, the technician won't torch your grundle they said.

   We had our first meeting of the Rule Club... There was a fight.

   There's a squirrel on my roof,,, or this new blood pressure medicine is too strong...

   ME: When is "trash day?"............ NEIGHBOR: Umm,,, we don't observe "trash day"

   BREAKING NEWS: Tom Brady accused of deflating again in Macy's Day Parade

   Me: I can't believe Sarah Jessica Parker is going for Olympic gold at her age... Wife: Ummmm,,, You're watching Equestrian dressage.

   Bartender on the phone. "Oh, ,hey.." Sees a priest, a rabbi, and a horse walk in " dude, let me call you back. This is going to be amazing"