Snotty Funny Status Messages

   Lost in Ikea for 271 days.. Spent hellish week in labyrinth of spoon organizers & I'm now in relationship with lamp named "BÖJA"... RESCUE ME

   You sir,,, Are a "lactose intolerant person with bee allergies".. In my, "Land of Milk & Honey"..

   Wiki leaks: kraby patty secret formula

   Wow!!!,,,, this ice cream scoop really brings out your eyes.

   Just watch. My nickname for babies, "vag-turds", is really gonna catch fire in 2015.

   In Canada they have 18 hour traffic jams at 4 way stops,,, cause everyone is being polite and insisting the other driver goes first

   Don't you just hate it when people say stuff in their status that you really didn't want to know? I hate that.. Anyway, I'll cut this short cause,, I gotta go poop.

   Remember when mambo 5 came out with the retina display? It made the mambo 4S look like CRAP........... good times

   My Political-Plumber friend says it's --- Lefty liberal, Righty up-tighty

   *Doctor enters room*.."I'm going to be blunt with you".. *whips out a huge joint*.."Let's light-up".. Nice.."BTW, you've got epilepsy".. Nice

   My daughter just told me when she grows up she wants to live in Kentucky and grow a whole field of ham... My God.

   A country song,,, but for how bad country music is.

   Roses are grey,,, Violets are grey,,, Friggin'-Woof. I HATE being a dog..

   Was I supposed to put the stripper in the cake before or after I bake it?.. Either way,, I gotta hide this body.. It's starting to smell

   George Washington was so ugly that someone said "maybe his monument should be a huge pole instead of his face" and everyone was like "yeah."

   'for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until' you eat the last star crunch and pee on the toilet seat

   It's exactly like the elders described. "When the moon succumbs to the dragon..." something something what's on TV

   "So You Thought You Could Watch This Show About Dancing"

   People will accept your idea much more readily if you tell them Benjamin Franklin said it first.............................Benjamin Franklin

   How To Get Rich: 1. Place a Swear Jar next to Samuel L Jackson...2. Empty it the next day.... 3. Become a millionaire.