Snotty Funny Status Messages

   YEAR IN REVIEW: January February March April May June July August September October November December...... *nice we did it, congrats folks

   4: Mommy, where do babies come from?..... Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much...

   GOOD DAY SIR !!!... And thank you for the "World of pure imagination"... r.i.p.

   (Giving TED talk) Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!... *he does and a mousetrap snaps on his hand*... Me: trust no one *audience claps*

   This stop sign has been red for half an hour.... I'm about to just go

   The IKEA #Covfefe organizer clips onto the lid of the toilet seat and holds a cell phone, diet Pepsi, and a plate of .

   I'm a Hangman master when we play using binary.

   Our Grandpa of a V!agra overdose,,, and to this day, we still regret not burying him just a few inches deeper...

   My therapist told me I should take life more seriously. I told him HE should, shmake shmife shmore shmeriously.

   I have so many unfinished jokes in my

   they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like "oh"

   SON: There's a monster under my bed... ME: That's monsters' name is Mark, he lives there now... SON: Wha????... ME: times are tough, we need the cash... MARK: I'm trying to sleep

   that a bottle of Prozac in your pocket or are you just sad to see me?

   I may be married to the sea, but I'm seeing 2 of the Great Lakes on the side,,, Yeah,, it's Erie how Superior they are.

   I'm late for work again! This time my dog ate my car.

   My dad gets to Bing by searching for it with Google!................... ( That is ALL you need to know )

   A Gary Busey can lose up to 30 000 teeth in its lifetime.

   Shall I compare thee to a Summer's Eve?

   Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, and you can start a fishing school. Make lots of money. Then feed your family steak.

   FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE !!!........... I yelled at my gynecologist