Snotty Funny Status Messages

   I bought some of that new emo lawn seed the other day... Yeah, It was a little more expensive,,, but the grass cuts itself.

   *Looks left... *Looks right... * Crosses road,,, * Gets run over by a chicken...

   In the mind of my Hound dog: "He's on the floor, trying to get my ball from under the couch... I will assist by licking his eyeball !"

   Ummm,,, I just tried to make a donation to the "Tourette Syndrome Foundation" in England,,,,, and they told me to Sod off.

   I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed. I can't believe anyone would stoop so low

   *looks at calendar*.. *looks at stomach*. *looks at calendar*.. Guess I'm telling people I'm pregnant again this Christmas.

   I just swiped left on someone based solely on the fact her name was Susan.

   I think it's actually statistically something like 113% of people over-exaggerate.

   I Changed Siri to a male voice,, and now I can't get directions and most of the answers are wrong.

   Sorry about all the jokes I've made that you didn't like. If it's any consolation,, they were free & someday I'll die......

   How many Smurfs have to die for the liquid in a porta-potty?

   What is the term for a group of Canadians?.. Is it "an apology"?.... as in, "Oh look, there goes an apology of Canadians"

   Susan,,, What do you mean, "My a$$ is a flotation device?"

   I love walking with my wife on the beach,, until the ambien wears off and I'm just dragging a mannequin around the Wal-Mart parking lot.

   If my posts DON'T much make sense,,, Well that's because I'm an idiot.... And If my posts DO make any sense,,, Well that's because you're an idiot...

   Meh,,, I guess I'm not against Hillary Clinton taking a drug test?... I'm MORE concerned about the GOP taking a drug test for allowing Donald Trump to be the nominee.

   During sex, you burn as much calories as running for 5 miles,,,,,, Wait, Who the heck runs 5 miles in 2 minutes???

   If you urinate in a pair of swim goggles and strap them to your face you won't need Instagram anymore....... next question

   I think It's a good thing that not everyone has a smartphone... Someone has to honk when the light turns green.

   The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked..... Kanye West doing a Mad Lib