JOser Funny Status Messages

   I had 99 problems but I took one down and passed it around.

   It wasn't until Rick gazed upon a photo on her facebook after 4 kids, and 80 pounds that he finally stopped wishing he had Jessie's girl.

   Facebook is doing maintenance on my account. I hope that means they're airbrushing my profile pics!

   Just before I die I'm going to get my hand stamped in case I want to come back in.

   Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me...

   girl next to me at work is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup... NICE!

   Hangovers are for people foolish enough to stop drinking.

   This Halloween I'll be a banker. I'll eat all my candy, all yours, then convince the government that if I don't get more candy we all starve.

   This isn't quite what I wanted to be when I grew up, but it was the best I could do on such short notice.

   I have often regretted my speech, never my silence...

   My futon might pull out, but I don't!

   My philosophy? People who have creepy dungeons probably don't wear a watch. So, when a stranger asks for the time, I pepper spay them.

   used the search term "the perfect job for me" on google and it laughed at me...

   wants you to know that you have my undivided, continuous, partial attention.

   Maybe this world is another planet's hell...

   The dog keeps licking his butt and staring at me. I don't feel bad for him though. I tried to give him toilet paper and he ate it.

   If you accept a penny for your thoughts, not only are you a philosophical prostitute. You're not a very good one.

   This day needs more yesterday...

   Sex is like Jenga: you pull out and try not to make a mess

   The happiest sentence, ruined by one word: I'm getting laid. Off.