andrew jackson Funny Status Messages

   I don't like Instagram. It reminds me that somewhere people are doing stuff. I just don't need that kind of pressure.

   Will children of the future be nostalgic about grandpa's Axe Body Spray, fauxhawk and body waxing strips?

   I guess it's time to face the reality that I just do not want to rock and roll all night. Nor do I wish to party eva-ree day.

   If Kanye didn’t sing “Gold Digger” while Kim walked down the aisle, I’m not interested in hearing anything about their wedding

   You know you're a bad driver when your GPS tells you "after 400 feet stop and let me out"

   Most of my workday is me thinking what my couch is doing right now

   I knew a guy that was a dyslexic agnostic insomniac, He'd lay awake all night wondering if there really is a dog.

   If I could only bottle this feeling I'm feeling right now, then the world would be able to experience my slightly annoyed indifference!

   If we wait patiently, eventually we'll all play Batman in a movie.

   Manipulating people for your own gain is wrong. Please like if you agree.

   One day my fridge will take revenge on me by opening my bedroom door every half hour, staring at me for a few minutes and then leave.

   If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.

   Sometimes I walk up to a plant and exhale carbon dioxide all over it. Did I save its life? Maybe. Am I a hero? That's for history to decide.

   You know that movie "Unbreakable" where Bruce Will cannot find the limits of his own strength? I'm like that but with ice cream consumption.

   Went shopping alone and the cashier asked, "How are you guys doing?" Now I'm 90% sure he can see ghosts and one is following me around.

   If I had a time machine rest assured I would do what's right: I would make sure the video for Buffalo Stance by Nenah Cherry never happened.

   When cleaning my house: 1% Cleaning 30% Complaining 69% Playing with stuffs that I just found

   The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it's true... time wounds all heels.

   People complaining in the express line about the lady writing a check will be uber ticked when I try to barter a sheep for this 6-pack of Pepsi

   John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt has got to be one of my top 5 favorite songs about identity theft