Snotty Funny Status Messages

   [At the zoo] Llama spits in my face,, I spit in llamas face,, Llama slaps me,, I grab llamas hair,, Scuffle ensues,, Llamas girlfriend shouts "leave it Gary!"

   [My son giving the eulogy at my funeral] My dad once told me.. *he pauses to wipe away tears.. the world is gonna roll me, I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed....

   Huh,,, It's pretty cool how willy wonka got away with murdering all those bratty kids that went on a tour of his candy factory... Hmmm

   I started to use alcohol as a crutch,,, and the I realized it was a liquid.

   It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.

   PRO TIP: Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong into a harp.

   [on a first date]... Me: So do you like puppies?... Her: Oh I love them... Me: Ok, so we'll both have the puppies... Waiter: Excellent choice, sir

   Has anyone gotten a "your mom" tattoo instead of one that says "mom"?... I can't be the first to think of this can I ?

   Saw a baby goat rescue a baby sheep........ I kid ewe not

   "Doc, I feel grouchy and my head turns 360 degrees."... "Hmm,, Sounds like Irritable owl syndrome".. Doc prescribes a Tootsie pop...

   Canada: "hey America, catch!"... *throws Justin Bieber at US*..."No give backs"... *Canada runs away giggling*

   Yes,, I'm just posting for the sake of posting.. I'm sorry that my posts aren't curing cancer like yours are.

   We have a very small hen house door,,,So you've probably guessed already...Sorry,, no fat chicks

   Hmmmmm,, You walk to the back of the dry cleaner's,,,,, and it's just a bunch of cats licking your shirts.

   So I think Cris Christie and Obama driving around to look at bridges is O.K.,,, but when do they start solving crimes?

   WebMD Says I have the hypochondria

   I'm a little disappointed that the Supreme Court proceedings this week didn't begin with,,,,, "Mawage.. Mawage is wot bwings us togever today."

   If you only see one movie this summer, I suggest seeing more. Movies are great.

   I eat my peas with honey.. I dun it all my life.. It makes the peas taste funny.. But it keeps them on my knife.

   What's the minimum age a person has to be in order to get arrested for vandalism?............... Please tell me the answer is two,,,,,