Snotty Funny Status Messages

   65% of parenting is figuring out what the heck your kid is pointing at and then acknowledging it before he melts down.

   Judge: And how does the defendant plead?...... Me: *lips right on mic* 1 dollar, Bob.

   My life advice to kids: In the end Blossom grew up to be Sheldon Cooper's girlfriend,,,, that's all you need to know.

   What if gravity was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always crap on the floor to clean up...... Wait!,, Just hear me out bro.

   "Zyzzyva, Zyxst, Zyxt..." - Noah Webster's last words

   I'm more of an Atrophy husband.

   You'd think there'd be another way of getting down from a horse other than just sitting there until it dies.

   Oh Yeah??,,, Nothing useful in Skymall, eh??.. Okay, (affixes mini umbrellas to shoes)... Enjoy your wet feet

   Hey Electoral college,,,, Sorry,, I wasn't paying attention,,,what do I do if my election lasts for more than 4 hours?

   If you put a rusty penny in a glass of Mountain Dew overnight,,, in the morning Abraham Lincoln will be riding a snowboard.

   Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn't come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn't a gift

   I wanted to put my hair in a bun,, but the hairdresser was all out of sourdough... (giant cane trys to pull me off stage,, but I backflip over it)

   DIET HACK: You can use flour tortillas as napkins

   I bet the tickle fights in jail are legendary.

   PRO TIP: For the Olympics,, If you plant a bunch of Doritos in the ground and water them every day with Red Bull, you can grow your very own Shaun White

   What's yellow and has wheels?... A banana, I lied about the wheels... Next question

   NASA scientist sees me eating a corn chip I found in my shoe and cancels the program to stop an asteroid hitting the Earth

   SIGN: *jesus recycling shoes*....... "What are you doing there Jesus?"... "Oh, you know, just,,, Saving soles."...

   TIP: A quick way to get your kids out of bed is to go in their room and shout, "What the Heck?!! There are deer in our backyard!! "

   My mom just wrote down a website in cursive. I feel like my whole world is falling apart.