Snotty Funny Status Messages

   Welcome to Vegas,,,,,, Where what you don't know about your bedspread won't hurt you..

   Sorry I yelled GET A ROOM when your grandma was hugging your grandpa's coffin.

   I thought lubing my arse with vegetable oil would make my poop come out faster, but I just slipped off the toilet and shat on the floor.. :(

   After knocking all the mens hats off, Bill was escorted out of the safety meeting screaming "I can dance if I want to"........

   Wait!!! Just exactly how does a cheese grater make cheese greater?

   I'm sorry Charlie Brown, but your mother is dead.... Turns out, she had a trombone lodged in her throat and eventually just suffocated to death

   Donald Trump wants to keep us in suspense about the survival of our democracy and orderly change of government.... I can't wait!

   My fav iPhone 6 app,,,, Is actually still just "the telephone" one

   *arrives at hospital carrying a tiny chair... " Ummmm, Yes,,,, Where would you like my stool sample?"

   "Can't go wrong with oolong"... is my favorite tea shirt.

   I wonder how many times Paula Deen's 1st husband plotted to kill her in her sleep, only to be foiled by his own laughter at her sleep farts.

   Hey guys, let's start a Ninja Club. First rule of Ninja Club is....wait, where the heck did everybody go?

   We're here today to witness the union of two special people. The lasers we use to fuse them together are very powerful,,,, so goggles on please

   Free range chicken, because freedom is delicious.

   My son just told me a joke. So here it is, tell me what you think. Why do midgets laugh when they run?? Cause the grass tickles their balls.

   Of course Trump hasn't doesn't pay taxes... He knows ALL the good loopholes,, Like, "Mail order brides are tax deductible"

   Honestly,, I don't think I can stomach stomach stomach stomach any more cow jokes

   Can't we just agree that disagreeing is what we agree on?

   3-year-old conversion factor: 1 chicken strip = 1/2 bottle of ketchup

   Son: Do I sleep on my stomach or back?... Me: Your back, that way youre ready to fight if the monsters attack... Son: WAIT ??,,What? .... ME: Night son