Snotty Funny Status Messages

   [knights of the wobbly table].... "Can we get some more napkins over here?"

   *Leonardo Da Vinci shows the finished portrait to her.... Mona Lisa: Eww,, DELETE IT!

   [enter new password] *CVSReceipt* [password too long]

   FYI: Every year the Justice League puts kryptonite candles on Superman's birthday cake,, just to fool him into thinking he's getting too old..

   Hot Kraft singles in your area are difficult to open, and really not good cheese anyway,,,, So....

   If she says "I'm fine" that means she's fine and you can keep playing Xbox.......... lol

   The wife held eye contact with me as she released a long fart,,,,, if you're wondering what a couple of 20 yrs does after the kid's in bed.

   If you get a recipe from a cannibal make sure it differentiates between ground chuck & ground Chuck.

   If you ask for plastic grocery bags in Whole Foods, they put one over your head & suffocate you with it.

   1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.

   "I've looked everywhere" to men is really.. "I gazed around the floor then opened and shut 3 cabinets"

   And for whatever reason, no one told em how to get to Sesame Street

   My band is so indie we don't even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.

   I'm so old,,, my driver's license is valid for covered wagons.

   It puts the lotion in the basket... It puts the body wash in the basket... It puts the face scrub in the basket... *This gift basket is going well.

   "Hmmm, It says on your resumé that you..."can dodge flying poop?.. and "enjoys acting like a chimpanzee?"... "Ummm yes, that's correct"

   I've signed up to be a ghostwriter when I die

   Whoever came up with the slogan Diamonds are Forever, obviously never had herpes.

   *Airplane PA.... "Arrr, this be yer cap'n speaking"... *covers microphone... [muffled] "Dangit Roger,, you have it set on autopirate again"

   There are so many scams on Facebook now... Send me $19.95 and I will tell you how to avoid them.