Snotty Funny Status Messages

   Accidentally used my credit card instead of my hotel pass key and now I apparently own this whole building.

   Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?... *dad panics*... Uhh...you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much...

   One day, as a little boy, I wrote to Santa Clause. "Please send me a little brother." Santa Clause wrote me back,,, "Ok, send me your mother."

   The Burger King mascot, and the KFC mascot walk into a bar.... Everyone leaves because they're so creeped out.

   Hey Canada,,, Are you sure those were YOUR geese?.. They weren't as polite and well mannered as I would expect

   "What I want is to do is combine the laziness of cooking at home with the high price of eating out!" - The inventor of the Wedge Salad

   *Shows up late for first day of new job... *Blames it on rush hour...*Shows up late for second day of new job... *Blames it on Rush Hour 2

   I'm just going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.

   I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out... Well, at least it tasted like a taco salad.

   The Dallas Cowboys say they're not intimidated by Peyton Manning... They also said they are not really sure what "intimidated" means.

   I clicked on one of those " You've been unfriended by 3 people" messages,,,,,,,,,,, Now it burns when I post..

   ( last meal on death row ) "Parmigian cheese?" . . . *I nod. . . "Say when". . . * I wink at camera. . .

   My dog says my job is to always rub his back,, and violates OSHA law by not letting me take breaks.

   BREAKING NEWS: Over 30 people feared soothed in Yankee Candle fire.

   Honey I shrunk the kids' college savings,,, and bet on a pure bred horse

   screwed up the settings on my 4D printer,, and now there's a scale model of the Death Star somewhere in 1674.

   That's ok about the cancellation,, Cuz I went on a date with a dolphin today,, Yeah, we just clicked.

   "What about this? What about this? And this?"--me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.

   COP: can you describe the man that attacked you?..... TEACHER: I don't know, CAN I describe him?...... COP: *heavy sigh* MAY you describe him

   True story: I saw 2 fat guys get in a shoving fight at the donut shop this morning.... Also true: I kept yelling "use your diabetes on him!!"