Snotty Funny Status Messages

   According to the Americans with Disabilities Act, Led Zeppelin has to build a ramp of a width of 36 inches next to their Stairway to Heaven

   "That'll do pig.. That'll do",,, is apparently not the reply to give when the wife asks how an outfit looks on her

   The Native Americans used every part of the iPhone,,, even the stocks app and game center.

   "Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me."...*shakes tambourine ... "Got any others?"... *shakes tambourine... "Hmmm,,, Sounds a lot like the last one"

   My wife got a "mood ring" that turns green when she's happy,, and leaves a big red mark on my forehead when she's mad.

   Roses are red.... Violets are blue... I waited till the last second, and Hallmark was closed... So are you still mad at me or what?

   I think Trump is actually turned himself into the Human form or "clickbait"

   Shouldn't we really wait to hear from Adele's ex boyfriend before we take sides?..

   I just misspelled a word so badly,, that autocorrect shut my phone off and gave me explosive diarrhea.

   My friend is staying in a hotel on Christmas Eve, which sounds really depressing, but I bet Mary and Joseph would have killed for that.

   Most wolf attacks are triggered because they saw someone with a selfie stick.

   It's like I tell my kids, "don't cry over spilled milk, cry over daddy's inability to keep up with our mortgage payments."

   I bet Tom Hanks sends a letter to The Academy Awards this year that he signs "Sincerely, T. Hanks for nothing"

   Vanilla Ice wasn't as terrible as he's been made out to be... He's just had a bad rap.

   Hey look, Grandma!.. You made the cover of "Didn't Make Me Any Cookies Weekly" again....

   Sorry officer, Jesus took the wheel.... (leans in close).. You gonna arrest Jesus?

   If you love a cat, set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours to keep.... If it doesn't, you drove far enough.

   Sometimes I wonder if I'm being selfish by using my voice to just sing in the car instead of to save the music industry..

   I FINALLY got a new i-phone,, and for those wondering how long it would take to get chocolate smudged in it?? Shut-up.

   What makes you think I put my pants on one leg at a time?