Snotty Funny Status Messages

   It's called PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

   If I lose a hand, accident or not,, I'd replace it with a prosthetic gavel. Just so you can see that I'm judging you, and for garlic competitions.

   Been at this farmer's market for an hour,,, Still can't find the guy that sells the smug sense of superiority everyone here has.

   If I ever go blind, I'll wear two eyepatches, so people will just assume I am a double pirate.

   My pet rock pees on the floor.... Bad boy!! (Then I spank his butt)... Then mom lectures me for 2 hrs. about hitting rock bottom.

   *Gets in hammock*...*hammock instantly goes into spin cycle*...*spins into cocoon*...*completes larva process*

   Looking back on my time taking flight lessons,, I realize why I could never be a pilot. Not because I'm afraid to fly or couldn't handle instructions from the tower,,, but because I kept making machine gun noises at EVERYTHING I saw.

   *the year 2050,,,,,, "Grandpa, how did Trump ever get elected? ".... Well, we were a bit distracted, That was the year that adult coloring books came out

   "It's not you, it's me" - me, explaining "awesome"

   I'm very, very, very descriptive

   A bunch of us are going out for pancakes when Facebook is over, if you want to come along

   Yes,, Grandchildren ARE our future,,, But they're ALSO the reason why there's a smooshed sandwich in my Pricey Blu-Ray player,,,,, Hmm, our future

   Can't figure out if my Granddad is defusing a bomb or trying to answer his cell phone. It's tense!.. "The green one Gampy,, not the Red one!"

   If old french fries were weapons,,, I would be able to kill anyone trying to carjack me

   Listen Nyquil instructions,,, YOU are not the boss of me.

   Me: What's the capital of Ohio?.... Son:.?... Me: It's also a famous explorer.... Son: Dora? ... Me: Yep,, Dora, Ohio.

   I think this whole "heck in a hand basket" thing started,, when no one noticed the fresh prince gets out of the taxi without paying.

   A TED talk about how to pass gas in the office and make it look like somebody else did it.

   [working in garage]... "Hand me a screwdriver, son".... A flat one?.... "No".... [mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go

   A good way to handle when your kid asks, "Mom, what happens to me after I die?".. is to pull out a trombone and play "waa waaaa" in his face.