Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's important to look closely at all the campaign signs. Last election I voted for a real estate agent.

   The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.

   Just checked my bank account and it looks like everyone is getting text messages for Christmas.

   “once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like “once my kids clean their rooms.”

   I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.

   I've just bought the personalized number plate baa baa. For my black jeep.

   Wait till they realize that Frosty has no pants and smokes a pipe in front of children.

   Bad part about being a bomb disposal technician..... It takes me 6 hours to open my Christmas presents.

   Ask a meteorologist who will win the Superbowl......then go with the other team ;-)

   It's so cold Richard Simmons started wearing pants

   A fun thing to do is to call someone & say "HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE"

   I only buy extra virgin olive oil...Because I don't know where those other oils have been.

   Remember friends, You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of "bag of ice" to your July4th cookout.

   *spills one drop of maple syrup (entire house is sticky for the next decade)

   In grade school it’s called bullying but when you get older it’s referred to as upper level management.

   Dating is like garage sales where everything looks great from a distance but up close you realize it's just someone else's garbage you don't need.

   EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.

   I just heard someone call an e-cigarette a "douche flute." Now my life is complete.

   A haunted house that has a room where a bunch of women ask you "Notice anything different about my hair?"

   I went to a gender reveal party yesterday and was immediately told to put my clothes back on...