JOser Funny Status Messages

   I like to refer to celebrity relationships with huge age differences like speeding tickets, Ex: Hef is currently doing 84 in a 20

   Maytag just recalled 1.7 million dishwashers. This immigration issue is really getting out of hand.

   If the store didn't want me to flop naked into the frozen foods, it shouldn't have put them so close to the front door on a 90° day.

   To save time, lets just assume I'm NEVER wrong!

   Seriously, "BFF" I've haven't spoken to in 4 months, you deleted me on Facebook?? It only took me a month to notice. I thought we were tight

   Summer weather; it's not the heat, its the stupidity...

   Well aren't you a waste of two billion years of evolution.

   Stop crying. You asked what I thought of your haircut and "macho" is a compliment where I come from, lady...

   Meeting an old friend for drinks after work. Hope he doesn't bring up that Farmville invite I ignored.

   I have a better idea. Tell your boobs to stop staring at me, it's very distracting

   Starting a sentence with "I don't want to sound creepy but" doesn't de-creepify the rest of the sentence.

   not bitter. I'm just unsweetened...

   The law says I can't drive with an open container, but it says nothing about jello shots!!

   If idle hands are the Devil's Playground than Facebook is a full blown amusement park.

   I only talk sh*t when I'm strategically located near bouncers.

   Apparently the forklifts at home depot are "not meant for racing and for employee use only."They should really get a sign..

   What? That's not what "do the robot" means? It's a dance? Oh god. I am SO sorry about your robot.

   Thinks that if I was a zookeeper, I wouldn't even bother putting anything in the chameleon exhibit.

   thinks that if at first you don't succeed, you should pray that your future Honor Roll student takes care of you.

   My life coach just benched me.