andrew jackson Funny Status Messages
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My best childhood memory was falling asleep on the couch and waking up in bed…. I miss teleporting. It never happens to me anymore.
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"Cagefree" eggs means they've never been forced to watch every Nicolas cage movie he's made right?
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"I like soccer!" -- Someone who's either lying, trying to tick off their parents, or has given up on life.
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f your cat really loved you it would be a dog.
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Just saw the fattest Dalmation ever. It was huge & had these teats that were almost touching the ground & it made a weird bark, like "moo"
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There's no place like home. Unless you're a bee, in which case home is a terrible place filled with bees.
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Why are there no Knock Knock jokes about America? Because Freedom rings.
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I’ve come to the sad realization nobody will ever triumphantly pour Gatorade on me for any reason.
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Dogs are tough. I’ve been interrogating this one for hours and he still won’t tell me who is a good boy
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When police announce they've captured a "ringleader", I imagine a festive, circus-themed crime syndicate. Because I'm delightful.
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Sure, soccer is the worst thing ever but at least when some smug idiot tries to tell you "it's football" you can punch him without remorse.
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Texting is a great way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean
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Debt collectors calling you? They dont call ME anymore after I answer the phone “Homicide, Detective Smith speaking, please give me your full name and direct affiliation with the victim who’s phone you’ve just called.” Problem solved!
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Door bells should be made illegal in commercials. Pet owners know what I’m talking about.
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For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
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How to tell if a woman is mad at you: 1.She's quiet 2.She's yelling 3.She acts the same 4.She acts different 5.She murdered you
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If you don't like Star Wars puns, you R2 boring for me.
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I wonder if actors line their walls with autographed pictures of restaurant owners and dry cleaners.
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I hate it when TV shows say they contain “adult situations” but then don’t show anyone going to a job they hate, paying their bills or cleaning up their kid’s vomit.
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Society has put an unnecessary amount of effort into the advancement of yogurt.
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