andrew jackson Funny Status Messages

   My best childhood memory was falling asleep on the couch and waking up in bed…. I miss teleporting. It never happens to me anymore.

   "Cagefree" eggs means they've never been forced to watch every Nicolas cage movie he's made right?

   "I like soccer!" -- Someone who's either lying, trying to tick off their parents, or has given up on life.

   f your cat really loved you it would be a dog.

   Just saw the fattest Dalmation ever. It was huge & had these teats that were almost touching the ground & it made a weird bark, like "moo"

   There's no place like home. Unless you're a bee, in which case home is a terrible place filled with bees.

   Why are there no Knock Knock jokes about America? Because Freedom rings.

   I’ve come to the sad realization nobody will ever triumphantly pour Gatorade on me for any reason.

   Dogs are tough. I’ve been interrogating this one for hours and he still won’t tell me who is a good boy

   When police announce they've captured a "ringleader", I imagine a festive, circus-themed crime syndicate. Because I'm delightful.

   Sure, soccer is the worst thing ever but at least when some smug idiot tries to tell you "it's football" you can punch him without remorse.

   Texting is a great way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean

   Debt collectors calling you? They dont call ME anymore after I answer the phone “Homicide, Detective Smith speaking, please give me your full name and direct affiliation with the victim who’s phone you’ve just called.” Problem solved!

   Door bells should be made illegal in commercials. Pet owners know what I’m talking about.

   For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”

   How to tell if a woman is mad at you: 1.She's quiet 2.She's yelling 3.She acts the same 4.She acts different 5.She murdered you

   If you don't like Star Wars puns, you R2 boring for me.

   I wonder if actors line their walls with autographed pictures of restaurant owners and dry cleaners.

   I hate it when TV shows say they contain “adult situations” but then don’t show anyone going to a job they hate, paying their bills or cleaning up their kid’s vomit.

   Society has put an unnecessary amount of effort into the advancement of yogurt.