Joser Funny Status Messages



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   messageicon I ate too much comfort food and now I'm a bean bag chair.
←Rate | 05-06-2010 17:51 by Joser Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm waiting for the day Ziploc quits the pretentiousness with the sandwiches and just starts putting weed right on the box.
←Rate | 05-06-2010 21:40 by Joser Comments (0)  


   messageicon Just read an article about the stock market, and there were three things in it that I didn't quite understand: Every, single, word.
←Rate | 05-06-2010 21:42 by Joser Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'll give you an exact definition of "in love". When her bra and underwear match.
←Rate | 05-06-2010 21:43 by Joser Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm no a lawyer, but I'm pretty sure "He started it," is a legit defense.
←Rate | 05-07-2010 12:38 by Joser Comments (0)  


   messageicon Just once I'd like to attend a formal state function and hear the butler at the top of the stairs announce Lady and Sir Mixalot.
←Rate | 05-07-2010 12:39 by Joser Comments (0)  


   messageicon I feel so bad for people who have $500,000,000. They can only call themselves millionaires, and yet they're still so far away from being billionaires.
←Rate | 05-07-2010 12:39 by Joser Comments (0)  


   messageicon Every time I hear a strange noise at night, I mentally prepare to fight off an intruder. If it's a velociraptor, I'm also totally ready.
←Rate | 05-07-2010 18:21 by Joser Comments (0)  


   messageicon So I'm giving up drinking..Hard liquor..On Wednesdays..In June..Next year..(Maybe..)
←Rate | 05-07-2010 19:10 by Joser Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm installing plywood doors in my house so I can karate chop them down like a badass when I enter each room.
←Rate | 05-07-2010 19:10 by Joser Comments (0)  


   messageicon I tried to flash an oncoming driver to warn him of a cop but I think it was too dark for him to see my A**
←Rate | 05-10-2010 13:54 by Joser Comments (0)  


   messageicon "Well done, son. I'm very appointed in you." "Appointed?" "Opposite of disappointed." "You mean proud?" "Let's not get carried away, kiddo."
←Rate | 05-10-2010 13:55 by Joser Comments (0)  


   messageicon Target is nothing more than Walmart in a tuxedo t-shirt.
←Rate | 05-10-2010 13:56 by Joser Comments (0)  


   messageicon Hearing your legs creaking as you get into the standing split pose in yoga class is a sure way of telling people that you havent been laid in a while
←Rate | 05-10-2010 13:57 by Joser Comments (0)  


   messageicon ME: So you're a drug dealer, huh? HER: It's called a pharmacist. ME: Oh, I get it. It's like how you can't say "bong" in a head shop, right?
←Rate | 05-10-2010 13:58 by Joser Comments (0)  


   messageicon I just saw a man disconnect his oxygen tank before he lit his cigarette. Safety first.
←Rate | 05-10-2010 14:02 by Joser Comments (1)  


   messageicon Saw the mystery machine from Scooby Doo driving on the highway. Is this real life?
←Rate | 05-10-2010 14:05 by Joser Comments (1)  


   messageicon The thing that makes learning how to use chopsticks so difficult is that the longer you don't know how, the soggier your cereal gets.
←Rate | 05-10-2010 14:05 by Joser Comments (0)  


   messageicon This could be the best day ever... but it isn't. Again
←Rate | 05-10-2010 14:05 by Joser Comments (0)  


   messageicon Does the Five Second Rule apply to beer?
←Rate | 05-10-2010 14:06 by Joser Comments (0)  




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