StonerDudee Funny Status Messages

   Sorry for my bluntness, that's just how I roll.

   If you still pay for porn I just want you to know I have a butter churner and an abacus for sale.

   Texting "Good Morning, Beautiful" will change a girl's whole day. If you time it right, it will do the same for her boyfriend.

   McDonald's Management Rule #23: "The employee with the most severe accent or speech impediment must work the drive-thru at all times."

   China has largest population not because the men are extra horny nor women are extra fertile but because... Their condoms are made in China.

   The Swiss must've been pretty confident in their chances of victory if they included a corkscrew in their army knife.

   I phoned my wife earlier. "I'm just setting off from work, do you want me to pick up fish and chips on my way home?" It was met with a stony silence. I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.

   The year is 2026. The iPhone18 is the size of a dump truck. Everything is automatically sepia toned. Air is pumpkin spice flavored.

   Tell me more about this victum role you play due to the circumstances that you've created for yourself.

   I don't want to sound ignorant but if I can't understand something... then it's stupid and I hate it.

   I bet Rihanna will be on the cover of Chris Brown's greatest hits CD.

   You know what is sweeter than the laughter from a child? The sound of silence from not having any kids.

   It was only after the other brothers of The Jackson 5 refused to let him join that little Samuel L. Jackson first became angry.

   I forgot to buckle my 5 year old up in the car today, and while leaving the parking lot, this guy yells, "You're an irresponsible father!". I was like, "What the hell is that guy's problem? Stop the car son!"

   Whenever someone says they did something, "like a boss," I assume that means they didn't do it at all and are merely taking credit for it

   Saw a huge spider the size of a walnut while I was taking a shower so I pulled off the curtain rod & pole vaulted myself into the hallway.

   Its all fun and games until someone drinks the beer with the cigarette butts in it..

   I know! I'll go on the Internet and complain! That'll fix everything!

   Summary of everyone's Facebook timeline: 1. born 2. things got worse

   My iPhone autocorrected "wish you were here" to "wish you were beer" and I sent it anyways.