Snotty Funny Status Messages

   How are we supposed to cure cancer when we can't even find a cure for country music.

   HOLIDAY HACK: *Holds finger up, and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I've been..

   (Calm announcers voice) And Here we see Flavor Flav panicking as he crosses the International Date Line

   Well son,,, They called it a bra because booby trap was already taken

   How to tell if someone is lying to you on social media??.... Their thumbs are moving

   I'm just surprised Superman didn't step in to prevent them from rebooting the Superman franchise again.

   Hey Jonah,,, Next time you’re swallowed by a whale, stand up through the blowhole like it’s a sunroof on a limo. Throw your arms up. Have some fun.

   Big Shout-out !!!,,, to Whitney Houston as she celebrates one year of sobriety today

   Try saying "good luck" without sounding sarcastic..... Good luck.

   There once was a man from Nantucket, whose name was Dave. Real nice guy. Gave me some great directions on how to get to Applebee's.

   The Year??.. 2033,, The year is 2047, After a series of mergers and acquisitions,, The Doritos Locos McWhopper Chipotle Latte Wrap, has become the only source of nutrition

   This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club,,, but I’d never met herbivore.... *gets pulled off the stage by a giant cane*

   What's the prescription strength number for cupcakes?

   I say we 3D print some thumbs for dolphins and see what happens.

   My neighbour just overheard me asking "what's your problem?" to a cute little squirrel on my front lawn.

   You sneeze, and a tiny book titled "A spiders guide to navigating the human brain" shoots out your nose....* You faintly hear a spider cussing.

   Imagine how much pride you'll feel being eaten by lions.

   Sorry,, But that last like I gave you, contained traces of horsemeat.

   Because of gas prices,, the Motor Trend Car of the Year for 2012 is walking.

   A homeless guy asked me for 50 cents for a sandwich... I said, "First let me see the sandwich."