Snotty Funny Status Messages

   My Daughter asked if I wanted to have a tea party, so I yelled at her & her dolls for 2 hours about how I don't want to pay taxes anymore.

   Making your own salad dressing is simple: 1. Dig hole... 2. Place salad in hole... 3. Cover with dirt until hole is filled...4. Pizza...

   The Dentist from the US that hunted and killed CecilTheLion,, apparently now is hunting the Scarecrow and Tin Man

   Blowing out birthday candles,, must be really frustrating for baby dragons.

   Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so..... Now help me load this drum kit.

   1: Turn on vacuum... 2: Fart as loud and long as you can.... 3: Blame smell on junk in vacuum bag.... 4:Twirl invisible handlebar mustache cause you're an evil genius...

   Apparently, the biatch at my wife's job was being such a biatch today because something, something,,,, we hate her.

   The irony of my phone trying to autocorrect "nutrition" into "burrito" is not at all lost on me.

   Nickelback to play Boston bombing victim's Concert. In related news, Train to play relief concert for those who saw Nickelback.... (etc.. Bieber)

   Me: Do you want some more toast?... 6yr old: Yes... ME: Yes what?... 6yr old: ???... Me: What’s the magic word?... 6yr old: Abracadabra?

   The crappy thing is,,, there are people that will vote for Trump,,, but would punish their kids for just saying the word "Pu$$y".

   ■Does anyone else realize that in about 40 years, we'll have a million of old ladies shuffling around with tattoos?........ ( all I can say is ,,Ha,Ha,! )

   Sign up now for my new fitness program! Clowns with guns chase you until you are thin... Also we put spiders in your food.

   Excuse me, Pink Floyd... It's "We don't need ANY education."

   Train A leaves Station B in 32 minutes. Train C arrives at Station B in 30 minutes. Using a pencil and paper, write down your debit card pin.

   Be careful,,, A vetrinary receptionist has the power to know everyone's password.

   If I go into a restaurant with two other people I like to say my last name is Stooge, just to hear the hostess call out "Stooge, party of 3"

   The Movie "Independance Day" is SO unrealistic.. This guy's using his computer to access an alien ship & NOT ONCE did it ask if he wanted to upgrade his Adobe.

   Last night I tried to hang myself with about 20 bungee cords... If you're wondering,,, I almost died a bunch of times

   Give a man fish and you'll feed him for a day...... Give a fish a man and I'll bet you're in the Mafia.