Snotty Funny Status Messages

   But how are you supposed to do the sheep inventory, and NOT fall asleep on the job??!!..... *I said to HR during my exit interview

   I gained so much Winter weight, I had to go buy a pregnancy test just to be sure

   I make up for the time I've wasted on the Internet by stopping the microwave a few seconds early

   [At the park].... STRANGER: Your dog is unusual looking... ME: Yeah, he's interbred... DUCK: [waddles up] I'll tell you who else is into bread?

   Everyone knows it's "Private eyes", single clap, "They're watching you", double clap. Now,church choir, for the love of God, get your crap together.

   It's kinda embarrassing that Nostradamus predicted we’d only have 5 Doritos flavors by 2014.. When we actually have like 15

   Pro tip - I'm not convinced any of you are qualified to give pro tips.

   Being married means you never hav--- WOULD YOU QUIT CHEWING SO GODDAMN LOUD?

   "As a matter of fact, pepsi IS okay"... *whole restaurant gasps... *rookie busboy vomits

   Men In Black, Panties..... #AddaWordRuinaMovie

   Why doesn't anybody like me? Asking for a friend.

   If having a dog has taught me anything,,, It's how to eat steak very quickly... *No chewing needed

   If you have feelings for me,,, thats your problem not mine,

   FYI: You better check your elf,, before it wrecks your shelf

   *On a date... And the 3 teardrop tattoos on my cheek represent the times I lost to my brother at Mario Kart.

   "To be is to do" - Socrates... "To do is to be" - Nietzsche... "Do be do be do" - Sinatra... "Beep beep beep" - R2D2...

   Taco Bell is selling breakfast now?.. Cool, I guess I can move into the men's restroom... If you need me, I'll be in my new office.

   People who eat fish tacos: You realize you can get tacos that don't have fish in them,,, right?

   Wife swapping?..... Count me in... Here she is, you're in the middle of a divorce.

   You know the part of your bumhole that supposedly tells you if it's just a fart, or it's actually crap?... Yah, My dad needs a new one of those