Snotty Funny Status Messages

   The grass is green where you water it.

   We shouldn't send our trash into space, that's how you get space raccoons

   *Dogs on coffee break... Comic Dog: Want to hear a joke?.. Other dogs: Okay... Comic Dog: Knock Kno.... *Other dogs ALL GO NUTS !

   If you sit on your hand till it falls asleep and then like your own jokes,, it feels like someone else is doing it.

   Wife: do you think I'm fat?”... Me: Moooooo.... * Hmmmm,,, My phones Autocorrect is trying to kill me.

   *Poops without drinking coffee first*.... it's a FESTIVUS miracle

   FYI,,, Society has put an excessive amount of effort into the advancement of yogurt.

   My father is at that age where he will have a full on conversation with a telemarketer.

   I brought a t-shirt cannon to a knife fight. Everyone dropped their knives to catch their own piece of lynyrd skynyrd history.

   Bringing the grandkids to Seaworld next week,, to swim with the sharks... It's Dolphins?.. Whatever...

   If you didn't go to my sporting events growing up,,,,,, you're dad to me.

   It puts the lotion on its skin,, or it gets the eczema again.

   [dog on trial for murder]... Lawyer: Who's a good boy?... Dog: I am... Lawyer: Your honor, I rest my case....

   MARY: I'm worried Joe,, I found 4 bottles of wine in his room... JOSEPH: They were just water when he went in there, I'll have a talk with him.... *from upstairs* YOU'RE NOT MY REAL DAD

   finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.

   If you are a famous musician and you are over 60,,, please be careful in 2016.

   Good cop: Where's the money? Blind cop: *Tries to pound fist on table but misses.... WHERE IS EVERYTHING???

   (Infomercial for toilets) *a man is walking around his house picking up turds... "There's got to be a better way??"

   Do country music artists know about better music?

   INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS: 1) Know when to hold em... 2) Know when to fold em... 3) Know when to walk away... 4) Know when to run.