Snotty Funny Status Messages

   It must suck to have just one arm.... Until you get arrested.

   I know I can go to NAPA to buy truck nuts... But where can I go to get my Prius vajazzled ??

   Hey, After dealing with my ex for as long as I have these Ikea instructions are a piece of cake...

   "No, no no. Not you two.. I need you two to stay here and man the fort." ~ Noah to his Wooly Mammoths

   FYI: Donkeys just call them hats.

   Are you there God? It's me, chocolate... They keep putting me on raisins..... I KNOW,,,It's weird huh?

   I'm just surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.

   Sorry I Liked your dog dying.... But, they don't really give us any other buttons.

   But Officer,,,, I was in the Gifted & Talented program, and I need to move at my own pace.

   The days of good grammar has went by from now on

   Been looking on Craigslist all day for a pirate ship

   Hmmm,,, So all the instruments used to find "intelligent life" pointed "AWAY" from earth???,,,,, Yeah,, that makes sense...

   “I can't believe it's not butter!” - me watching Paula Deen use something other than butter as her first ingredient..

   I think the Krispy Kreme fresh donut light is my Bat-Signal

   That custom taylored Italian suit can easily be ruined by the default Nokia ringtone......

   there proper etiquette on how long you have to wait for your wife outside of a store before declaring her dead?

   Like my dad always says,, "Find out what you don't do well,, and then don't do it.".. It's one of our Family Traditions...

   WAIT, the kids in Weird Science made a perfect woman, but she was still able to talk?. Ahhhh,The innocence of youth.. (wife not looking,, hits send)

   ME: Mom, I finally found a job! MOM: Great!,, What is it? ME: Debt collections.. MOM:... ME:... MOM:... ME: So, I think you know why I'm calling

   On "Family Feud".... Host: Name something that you can never seem to find the right time to say.... Dad: "You're adopted, Chet!".... *The WHOLE Family claps,, except Chet*