Snotty Funny Status Messages

   *Poops without drinking coffee first*.... it's a FESTIVUS miracle

   Taco Bell is selling breakfast now?.. Cool, I guess I can move into the men's restroom... If you need me, I'll be in my new office.

   People who eat fish tacos: You realize you can get tacos that don't have fish in them,,, right?

   Wife swapping?..... Count me in... Here she is, you're in the middle of a divorce.

   You know the part of your bumhole that supposedly tells you if it's just a fart, or it's actually crap?... Yah, My dad needs a new one of those

   It's kinda embarrassing that Nostradamus predicted we’d only have 5 Doritos flavors by 2014.. When we actually have like 15

   Pro tip - I'm not convinced any of you are qualified to give pro tips.

   Being married means you never hav--- WOULD YOU QUIT CHEWING SO GODDAMN LOUD?

   "As a matter of fact, pepsi IS okay"... *whole restaurant gasps... *rookie busboy vomits

   Men In Black, Panties..... #AddaWordRuinaMovie

   Why doesn't anybody like me? Asking for a friend.

   It puts the lotion on its skin,, or it gets the eczema again.

   [dog on trial for murder]... Lawyer: Who's a good boy?... Dog: I am... Lawyer: Your honor, I rest my case....

   MARY: I'm worried Joe,, I found 4 bottles of wine in his room... JOSEPH: They were just water when he went in there, I'll have a talk with him.... *from upstairs* YOU'RE NOT MY REAL DAD

   finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.

   If you are a famous musician and you are over 60,,, please be careful in 2016.

   Good cop: Where's the money? Blind cop: *Tries to pound fist on table but misses.... WHERE IS EVERYTHING???

   (Infomercial for toilets) *a man is walking around his house picking up turds... "There's got to be a better way??"

   Do country music artists know about better music?

   INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS: 1) Know when to hold em... 2) Know when to fold em... 3) Know when to walk away... 4) Know when to run.