Snotty Funny Status Messages

   The side effects of the new medicine I'm on include nausea, nausea, nausea, nausea, nausea,,, repeating things four times & difficulty adding.

   Whenever I stand in front of the mirror looking at my naked body,, I get depressed and think… “I'm going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”

   I scream.. You scream.. We're all screaming... (This is awesome!!!)

   Does Uncle Ben still make rice? Because I'm pretty sure he's been telling people he's Spider-Man's uncle... I guess he could do both..

   So do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?

   Someday, we'll all look back on this, laugh nervously and then quickly change the subject.

   MOM,,, Even the Cookie Monster WON'T EAT AN OATMEAL RAISIN COOKIE

   [me narrating a documentary about an octopus].... Look at this fat, wet spider.

   Joined a gym once. 12 bystanders were injured. So much blood. 2 people renounced their faith. At night I still hear the treadmill screaming

   *parked outside a Walgreens.... "Psst, hey kids. Wanna make $5?.. Sweet... Listen, do you know what tampons are?"

   Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.

   Even though it will mean the loss of 1-2 inches in height, some of you should seriously consider the Ped Egg..

   Well APPARENTLY,,,, baby powder + water does not make a baby................... Myth,, BUSTED...

   Please print out and redeem this post at your local retailer to receive one free: "What the FRIG is this?"

   I hate when I try to rob a bank through the drive-up window and my gun gets stuck in the vacuum canister.

   DOG MAGICIAN: Think of a color, any color...is it...gray?...... AUDIENCE OF DOGS: Oh, my god,,, How does he do it??

   "You gonna eat that?" My wife asks,,,, pointing to my words.

   "You promise you didn't get me bees again?"............ [me from a distance].... JUST OPEN IT

   Maybe poor people don't even like food,, we don't know.

   911 What's your emergency?.. "I JUST FARTED ON A FIRST DATE"... Sir, we don't... "BUT IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION"