Snotty Funny Status Messages

   Never get your panties in a bunch... The good quality ones are sold individually.

   I judge how my week is going by how many times I've had to sit down in my shower.

   who do these people at Burger King think they are? Dont they know i'm an Ebay power seller,, and have over 70 friends on Facebook??,,,,FOOLS !!

   "NFL gives ISIS only a two game suspension.".... Hmmmm..

   I'm pretty sure Subway sandwiches increase in value after the sandwich artist dies.

   Jokes on you, kids who put shaving cream on my car... I was gonna shave my car anyway.

   By the power vested in me... I now pronounce me going to sleep

   *Caterpillar marriage therapy... Wife: he's not the man I married...Husband flying around room: I'm the same on the inside Susan !!!

   There's a million fish in the sea,,, but I haven't lowered my standards just yet to date fish.

   And its absolutely asinine that asinine isn't spelled assanine.

   I'm beginning to think that "love" really doesn't mean much to tennis players...

   I've written "sorry about your cat" on WAY too many personal checks.

   5 out of 6 people really enjoy Russian roulette.

   Wives,,, If your man says he will fix it,,, he will... There's no need to remind him every 6 months about it.

   Don't mess with me. I could accelerate global warming by a decade by releasing the methane trapped in my office chair.

   The husband asked if I've seen where his exfoliation sponge was,,, and now I'm waiting for our periods to sync.

   Life gave me onions........ P.S. Onionade sucks.

   Just got passed by a Prius, and I DIDN'T exclaim "Oh hell no" then gun it............... I don't know what's happening to me

   As soon as they start selling cars that drive themselves, I'm getting a booster seat for my cat, and he's gonna chauffeur my arse everywhere.

   Throw a surprise party for your town psychic and destroy his reputation