andrew jackson Funny Status Messages

   Mary Poppins was just called Mary before she got into breakdancing.

   I'll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.

   I’m just going to put an “Out of Order” sticker on my forehead and call it a day.

   It's nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he's getting hit by a train.

   my superpower is getting tired after doing nothing

   I wish I could have the Price Is Right audience around whenever I’m making important life decisions.

   it just me or is waking up at 3am and trying to read a text message is like looking directly into the sun?

   If news about a movie being made upsets you, why not work out your anger by getting out your oils and painting a masterpiece.

   There’s no excuse for laziness.. but if you find one, let me know.

   Fun thing to do #48: Spice up your food delivery order by ending the call with "And NO cops!"

   Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.

   today I screwed in a lightbulb, crossed the road, and walked in to a bar ...my life is a joke

   I would be totally into cosplay if it meant dressing up and pretending to be bill cosby.

   I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: it before.

   I really like that machine at the gym where you put money into it and snacks come out.

   There's no more dangerous entity on earth than a woman with a lot on her mind and nothing to do but think.

   One thing that people may not know about me is that I'm very passionate about not getting beaten to death with fireplace tools.

   Any time that I see someone wearing crocs, I assume they lost a bet.

   The only time the word incorrectly isn't spelled incorrectly is when it’s spelled incorrectly.

   If your shirt isn’t tucked into your pants, then your pants are tucked into your shirt.