StonerDudee Funny Status Messages

   If I would have known there would be a Facebook, I would have written "f*ck off forever" instead of "keep in touch" in your yearbook.

   "Hey baby, do you smell that?" "No." "Me neither, start cooking."

   When I watch MTV cribs I don't feel bad about downloading music illegally.

   A woman just dropped a 20 dollar bill next to me. I thought, 'What would Jesus do?', so I turned it into wine ... Well, I bought wine.

   I can think of absolutely no acceptable situation where a grown man should be taking a bathroom mirror selfie.

   I always thought saying "What crawled up your butt and died" was funny... until the day I met a man with a story about a weasel.

   Show me on the back of your mini van window where your life went wrong.

   When they hand me my napkins at the drive thru, I reach for them, while pretending to masturbate, and shout "Hurry, hurry, hurry!"

   Halloween really is the perfect time to get rid of all those Chinese food condiment packets.

   Police ordered me to get out of my car 'You're staggering' said the officer .'you're not a bad looking f*cker yourself' I replied

   I always walk around with a megaphone. If Facebook breaks I need to be able to tell everyone that I've had dinner.

   Sometimes my attention span is shorter than a gold fish crackers are delicious.

   I'm off to bed. For those of you who wish to add a touch of authenticity to your fantasies, the sheets are pale blue...

   Slept over at a kids house once in third grade. Saw him pour milk into bowl first, then cereal. Never talked to him again. He's in jail now

   You posted a drunk selfie last night at 2:04 AM and then deleted it five minutes later. But I took a screenshot. Let's negotiate.

   I'm sorry I keep looking at your chest while you're talking. It's just so beautiful. What is it, oak?

   The difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.

   If Shrek can find love, so can you. What I'm trying to say is, you look like Shrek

   Today I caught myself thinking of you and smiling... but it was because you had a booger in your nose the last time I saw you.

   You had me at "I bet I can fit that whole thing in my mouth."