Joser Funny Status Messages

   I like to follow up a compliment with a threat. For example, "Nice shirt! I'll fight you for it."

   Bond. Hydrogen Bond.

   You know what would make this Pina Colada better? Cancun.

   I'm not high maintenance, but rather precious cargo with lavish instruction for upkeep.

   sometimes I find hope at the bottom of a bottle of vodka.

   Well there's only one way to find out how many of my coworkers secretly wish that I'd punch them...

   Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.

   My new study method for finals is put a question on the outside of a beer bottle and the answer at the bottom

   You call it poor parenting, I call it raising free range children.

   Little known fact: "Ikea" is actually Swedish for the sound one makes when sh*tty furniture falls apart.

   Bumper stickers I'd like to give out: I BRAKE FOR NO REASON / MY OTHER SIGNAL IS OFF / HONK IF YOU HATE WAITING AT GREEN LIGHTS

   The most tedious part of being an Afghani phone sex operator is describing what I'm wearing.

   Wave your hands in the air! Wave ‘em all around like you're relatively indifferent to the current situation in which you find yourself!

   Condom says to Tampax.."You put me outta Business for 1 week a month. Tampax says to Condom..."If you don't do your job I lose mine for 9 months."

   Wipe your mouth. There's still a tiny bit of bullsh*t around your lips.

   One of the major benefits of using a combined 2 in 1 shampoo/conditioner is having enough room leftover on the shower caddy for the beer.

   tried to join a Tourette's support group but they told me to piss off.

   Going to Prehab... On the off chance that I get addictions...

   will resist peer pressure. All the cool kids are doing it...

   Every Ice Age starts the same way. With a lonely squirrel just tryin' to get a nut.