Czovczov Funny Status Messages

   I often send texts to random numbers that say. "Guess whose restraining order's expired!?" Eventually I'm bound to get a hysterical reply.

   I hope I can kill my feelings before my liver.

   Being too nice to people will make them take advantage of you. Being disrespectful will make them loath you. Not getting to know them in the first place will spare you both.

   I don't understand why people go to the gym all the time... everything there's so heavy.

   You need a woman whose last name doesn't end in .jpg, .wmv, or .mpg

   I was going to go for a run this morning. Then I remembered I don't run so I put some whiskey in my coffee and sat back down.

   "IT'S A BOY" I shouted, tears rolling down my face "I DON'T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!" It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.

   I fear the day someone invents a vibrator that can also open jars.

   The best way to deal with dumb people is to never leave your house sober

   Another fine day ruined by responsibility.

   I'm getting drunk while depressed. If I have your phone number, now would be a good time to your phone off.

   Whenever I hear women whine about wanting men who cuddle, listen, call them sweet names, and help clean around the house, I think there's a name for that. Lesbians.

   Apple is coming out with a 60 inch flat screen, and now I have to explain to my son why community college is good enough.

   How in the hell do Chinese people see when they're high?

   Advice for the ladies: Skip the boob tattoo. That cute little tiger you get will someday turn into a giraffe.

   Everything's on sale when I'm broke.

   If only plastic surgeons also sold class.

   Thanks to coffee I'm no longer exhausted. I'm alert and exhausted instead.

   When is decency going to be cool again?

   Booze is cheaper than therapy, and it doesn't keep asking, “and how did that make you feel?”