Snotty Funny Status Messages

   Hey,, I put on my pants same as everyone else......... reluctantly

   Every Maine-ah,,, at the age of 10 has to battle a moose to the death, using only the aid of 4 beavers...

   As it turns out, saying you worked out,,, Is MUCH easier than actually working out.

   "Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?"... Here's 10 reasons why I should get the job... "OK"... Number 7 will shock you..."You're hired"

   You can't buy a woman's love, but you can buy a human heart... Seriously, go look on Craigslist.

   DETECTIVE: I've called you here because I suspect one of you... IS AN OWL !!! ME: Who?? *everyone stares at me, even Gary whose head just turned 270°

   I ain't saying she's a gold digger but she has emphysema and is missing four fingers. Maybe she's a coal miner.

   IKEA is Swedish for "If you tell me it's not level again, I'm going to smash your head with this hammer,,,, Well then, JUST DIVORCE ME SUSAN"

   Old MacDonald had a farm, EIEIO.... He couldn't produce on the scale required to make a profit at current market prices and got foreclosed, EIEIO...

   If miley cyrus and justin beiber were drowning, and you could only save one........ What kind of sandwich would you make?

   How come Yoko Ono didn't marry someone from Nickleback instead?

   Darth Vader: "Here, I made you some toast." ___Luke: "It's a little on the dark side." ___Vader: ".?." ___Luke: "Lol"___ Vader: "Lol"

   It's really sad how Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his violence, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels.

   Listen,, If you're mad about Trump being named Time's Person of the Year, wait until you hear who was elected president.

   It's been years since I've had to use "the Schwartz"

   *Does impersonation of the Swedish Chef for no reason 5 minutes into first date*

   Me: So, what do you do for a living? Her: I flip houses. Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.

   My shower breakdown: 60% getting the water temp right,, 39% coming up with awesome responses to fights with my wife,,, 1% showering

   NYC Detective: One of you is an octopus,,,, who is it?... *Everyone points at me.... Including Susan, with all eight of her arms*

   How many light bulbs does it take to change people?