Snotty Funny Status Messages

   What exactly do you need to eat to achieve "wall splatter" in a public restroom?....* People amaze me.

   No GPS,,, I will not take the road less traveled. I live in Maine,, Have you seen Deliverance?

   *email from Domino's .....You haven't ordered pizza in 2 days... Is everything all right?

   *Gets a DUI playing Mario Kart

   When I burn something in the oven, I just get my guitar out and pretend it's a smoke machine

   What's 100 ft long and has 20 teeth?.................... The funnel cake line at the Maine State Fair.

   I sold my homing pigeon 137 times last year on eBay............................................................................Ha, Ha.

   Wait !! Everybody stop posting,,,,, I dropped a contact lens

   Listen,,, "You’re a ghost driving a meat coated skeleton made from stardust, what do you have to be scared of?"

   Remember,,,, there is no I in denial

   Depressed from all the bad news? Just imagine Ozzy Osbourne struggling to pour a giant jar of change into a Coinstar.

   My Hamster passed today,,,, Yeah, he fell asleep at the wheel.... :(

   [live debate] What's your stance on gun control?.......... *poses like a Charlie's Angel.......next question

   My wife dropped her purse and now my balls hurt.

   I'm gonna open a restaurant down in the Old-Port for singles - You'll just bring your own chinese food,, and for a small fee,,, I'll provide the sink for you to eat it over.

   I think I wasted my 15 minutes of fame trying to save money on car insurance.

   I think this time around we elect a 17yr old girl president... That way when the economy goes sour,, she can run to her room and slam the door.

   I wish I had Caesar Milan to correct me whenever I drive up to KFC

   Bucket list #33: Get a mouse dressed as a pirate to sit on your shoulder while you hand out Christmas gifts,, Also he should pretend to steer you holding a potato-chip.

   I will not rest until ALL food is dinosaur shaped.