Snotty Funny Status Messages

   Son, we're Irish,,,,,, So technically every one of your ribs is a McRib

   "911, what's your emergency?"... "Hi. Long time listener, first time caller."... "That's really funny."... "Thank you. Anyways, I'm being stabbed."

   Women that watch football are the real MVP.

   My family treats me like a GOD,,,,,, They only talk to me if they want something

   From time to time, I like to remind my daughter's boyfriend of the very real danger of falling I'll from a sudden, gunshot related illness.

   Getting a cavity filled tomorrow... Geesh, I hate going to the airport

   My Cunning plan: 1. Go to the elephant house in the zoo... 2. Shout IS NOBODY GOING TO TALK ABOUT THE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM?.. 3. Elephant high-five

   I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'

   "You're more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark."... *The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.

   In the 1800s the lives of sea creatures were improved with the invention of the electric eel. Previously they could only read by candlefish.

   It's kinda hard to believe in just 2 days,, I'll be stabbing housewives for a discounted Dyson vacuum.

   All this time I thought Adele was singing about Aloe.

   n't there an American Idol Contest somewhere you should be voting for?

   When Spock mind melds with Kirk they're collectively known as Spork.

   Ironically,,, I HATE it, when people say "like us" on Facebook.

   A good way to revoke Bill Cosby's medal of freedom would be to slip him drugs and then take it while he's unconscious...... next question

   Before I had a kid I thought,,,,, Gosh, I wish I could say "please put your shoes on" 17,000 times every morning.

   The C.D.C. says that more people die every year from Diarrhea than heart attacks??? That's NOT good news for me and my family because Diarrhea runs in my "genes",,,No really,, I've got Diarrhea in my "genes" right now

   hmmm this cereal is bland, tasteless, boring, flat, flavorless...*reads box* oh,,, this is Synonym Toast Crunch

   Look officer,,, I commit like a pantload of crimes every single day,, So you're going to have to be A LOT more specific.