Funny Status Messages

   Yup .... Sex with a 50 year old woman is pretty much the same as with a 20 year old with the exception that is has little chance of magically transforming into a child support payment.

   My wife was so sick this morning that I had to carry her to the kitchen to make me breakfast.

   I love how when your watching a crime show and they have to tell you that "this is a reenactment" oh really? you mean you didn't actually catch the murder on video?lol

   If you say "I shouldn't be telling you this" at the beginning of a conversation people will pay attention to you.

   When I was a kid, I told my parents I was going to make something of myself. I think they are getting impatient.

   My wife woke up this morning with a HUGE smile on her face ..... I love Sharpie markers.

   ....... Rise of the Machines!!!! I just got replaced by a freakin Robot!!!! Well ... Technically my wife bought a vibrator but I still call it a Freakin Robot!

   I've decided I'm going to stop getting stressed and start causing it instead.

   My doctor prescribed me some suppositories for my nausea. They’re not the best medicine in the world, but they’re right up there.

   I live in constant fear that Columbia House is going to send the repo man to get the cd's I never paid for .

   As a kid, I often thought how cool oit would be to read other poeple's minds. Then came social media...I'm totally over that.

   Spent 40 minutes on the treadmill this morning. Next time I might turn it on.

   Tough part of being vegan is getting up @ 5 am to milk the almonds...

   Real friends don’t rub it in. They rub it out.

   I don't know who needs to hear this, but you already ate.

   I stopped wearing a mask and started carrying a chain saw everywhere . Social distancing isn't an issue for me :P

   If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you

   the crows and the ducks are having a turf war in my backyard it’s like the squawkiest version of west side story ever

   Mandatory !! All mask must be worn with capes!

   World’s Most Dangerous Bees 6. Honey 5. Killer 4. Fris 3. Hucka 2. Zom 1. Apple