Snotty Funny Status Messages

   I begin all my orders at Arby's by saying,,, "Listen, I've got nothing to prove to you."

   Just tried to type "HAPPY NEW YEAR" but my phone went with "HAPPY NEW ZEALAND",,, So yeah,,, wishing everyone that.

   Can someone please unfriend me ? My friend count is on an uneven number and it is making me anxious.

   Mac & Cheese doesn't contain many vitamins, so it's important you always eat a bunch of it.

   *buys Sushi for Dummies*.. *preheats oven*.. *reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*.. *turns off oven*

   This post will be seen by tens of people, and liked literally ones of times.

   I hope the next Rambo movie is called 'Rambo No. 5' and its just Stallone dancing through the jungle shooting a little bit of this and that.

   Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?.. Me: Siri, why did this cop pull me over? .. *gets distracted driving ticket*

   *This summer at the GOP convention,, Scooby and the gang suddenly rush the stage. They wrestle Trump to the ground, struggling to remove his face.

   How can a species that can splice DNA, Invented the interwebs, Star Wars & went to the moon........ STILL need signs in the bathroom to wash your hands?

   Cow-tipping cop: Do you know why I pushed you over?... Cow: *sighs... Yes.

   IKEA has the BEST horse d'oeuvres.

   Some people don't know anything about women. And those people are men.

   The books aren't nearly as cute once you find out Waldo is a deadbeat dad.

   Anyone checked lately to see if there are still other web sites?

   I just got a letter from my boomerang.... It said when I get a decent job and quit the drinking,,,,,,,,,,,,,( well, you know )

   I think the people who own funeral homes should have digital clocks outside, counting down.

   Dear coworker who just microwaved hobo feet for lunch,,,, We hate you.. Love Stanley

   If Kenny Rogers, Cher and Bruce Jenner stood right by a really hot radiator,,, who do you think would melt first?

   My Laundry's piled so high,,, it's eating Doritos & watching Chappelle's Show.