Snotty Funny Status Messages

   Lawyer: In fact you did give her the pill?... Cosby: Sshoobities.... Lawyer: Come again ?....Cosby: floobity dooblities..... Lawyer:.... Cosby: Zip zop wop

   Please don't leave the light on for me, Motel 6.... I don't want anyone to see me here.

   Once you get to know me, you'll agree that I have the refluxes of a cat...."...you mean REFLEX? "... *I cough up hairball on the floor & run away

   Justin Beiber hates being told she's talented, and I can sympathize... I hate being told she's talented, too.

   Sometimes I'll re-read my older jokes that I once thought were funny and think,,, "I am the lamest person who ever lived."

   I'm playing the "Tetris" background music in my head when I load the dishwasher,,,,, Awesome

   Portland's waste water treatment facility has the best motto..... "Our duty is clear"

   I'm taking my two beautiful children home from Disney World...... I'm leaving the two ugly ones there.

   Never get behind a car with a Phish bumper sticker at the bank drive thru.. They don't have an account & they're about to run out of gas.

   I believe success,, is making it in and out of a public restroom without touching anything.

   The longest distance between any two points,, is the walking path of a 2 year old.

   FYI: Frosty the Snowman is constantly screwing with the thermostat at parties

   To convert Celsius to Fahrenheit,, you double the number in Celsius and add thirty.. To convert someone to Mormonism,, you double the wives and add 10 kids.

   How about a horror movie where if you close your eyes for even a second,, your wife steals another one of your dresser drawers?

   Yelp review: got murdered; would not recommend 🌟⭐⭐⭐⭐

   And as punishment, the Patriots send Brady home to have sex with a super model.

   You see,,, Once you start making Freudian slips, you can't stop,,, it's just one after a mother.

   If I had known she was going to start wearing clothes,,, I would never have eaten it. ~ Adam

   Heck,,, I can tell which people are really judgmental just by looking at them.

   Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and you can then stick him with a crippling amount of fishing school loans