Baddie Funny Status Messages

   He died doing what he loved: checking to see if bears are ticklish.

   Well, well, well...look who's crawling back, asking me to repair the axle on their wheelchair.

   I'm old enough to remember when a selfie was some lotion and a box of Kleenex.

   Sober me makes plans and drunk me cancels them. Its a good system.

   I don't believe death is the end. In my heart I know that, long after I'm gone, I will continue to receive Hot Summer Deal!!! emails.

   "But what does it mean?" - WOMEN

   Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor "Have you ever turned down heroin?" Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.

   HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot

   [shows up late for first day of new job] *blames it on rush hour* [shows up late for second day of new job] *blames it on rush hour 2*

   "It's a boy!" I shouted as I ran away from the Thai brothel

   I tried sweeping a problem under the rug once, but her legs kept sticking out.

   I was sober for 15 straight years but on my 16th birthday I decided that I've had enough.

   If my walls could talk, they'd probably say "stop running into me you idiot"

   You know your phone can take pictures of other people too right? Just checking.

   Ok, I'm finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.

   I bet there's a rapper trying to figure out a way to replace his teeth with LED lights

   I'd take a stupid dog over a stupid person any day.

   Twerking is great for working out your legs and daddy issues at the same time

   Anyone with more than 0 bumper stickers needs to relax

   Maybe cigarettes don't give you cancer. Maybe it's the jean jackets and sunglasses. We just don't know.