Baddie Funny Status Messages

   A cop texted me to pull over.

   You can be dysfunctional, retarded, ugly, promiscuous, pregnant, fat, obnoxious, sick, drunk, or high, but make sure you know the difference between 'YOUR' and 'YOU'RE' or ‘THAN' and ‘THEN'.

   Johnny Depp and his partner separated. They agreed to share custody of the kids, but are suing the hell out of each other over the scarves.

   Don't judge a woman by her granny panties but by what's inside.

   Thankfully restraining orders don't restrict freedom of thought!

   I like my women like I like my chemistry… hard to understand and capable of blowing up at any time.

   For a long term relationship to work the amount of times she's a pain in the ass has to equal the amount of times he causes pain in her ass.

   If you're going to have sex with a stranger, make sure you are stranger than them.

   Lick me like a lollipop.....but don't mistaken me for a sucker.

   Okay guys thats enough. Let's all agree to stop drawing on Lil Wayne while he's passed out drunk.

   Out of all the lies I've ever told, "Just kidding" is my favourite.

   The most important thing I look for from a potential employer is a bathroom with a good network connection.

   Ladys, can you PLEASE keep your dam toenails clipped, I'm tired of em scratching my dam ears!

   I drink in front of plants when I haven't watered them in weeks so I can maintain dominance.

   Right after I shouted "No more Mr. Nice Guy" I found myself helping the neighbors clean out their garage. Something went terribly wrong.

   When I'm hungry, I call you. When I'm horny, I call your friend.

   Hostage or not, sometimes it's just nice to be held.

   I'm sorry, I couldn't understand a single word that was coming out of your boobs.

   Even grudges have feelings. They like it when you hold them.

   Every mile you jog adds 1 minute to your life, so when you're 85 you can spend an extra 5 months in a nursing home at $8,000 per month.