Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Brain: I can see you’re trying to sleep; can I offer a selection of your worst memories?

   There is nothing else to hope for, but for things to get better.

   When the cross-eyed mechanic says, “no worries sir, I did the alignment myself.”

   Random Person: Let’s take our hearts for a walk in the woods and listen to the magic whispers of old trees. Me: Can I buy some drugs from you?

   Truth is like surgery; it hurts but it heals. A lie is like a painkiller; it gives instant relief but has terrible side effects.

   I need advice…. Never mind, I already did the stupid thing.

   It’s 4/19 - don’t forget to put milk and cookies out for Willie Nelson tonight.

   Planning an exotic vacation with $12.50 in the bank.

   According to astronomy, when you wish upon a star, you’re actually a few million years late. The star is dead, just like your dreams.

   You can’t change someone who doesn’t see an issue with their actions.

   That moment when you miss one step on the stairs, and you think you’re about to die.

   All of us: Ministry of “truth”, inflation, supreme court leak, border crisis, war. Mainstream Media: “Johnny Depp vs Amber Heard.”

   Then the son asked his dad, “I’m still confused. Was I born in a nest or a hive?”

   Woman makes misconduct claim against Elon Musk, like clockwork.

   Land-o-lakes ~ they got rid of the Indian and kept the land.

   If Satan ever lost his hair, there would be hell toupee.

   Imagine the disappointment a wolf would feel if it knew its descendant would turn out to be a Pug. That’s how your grandpa feels when he sees your man bun.

   If we removed all laws, the crime rate would be 0%.

   Once you carry your own water, you’ll learn the value of every single drop.

   Therapist: “What brings you in today?” Me: Every time my husband puts the dishes away, he puts them in a different location. Therapist: “I’ll cancel all my appointments.”