Snotty Funny Status Messages

   I just microwaved a Hot Pocket all the way through on the 1st try,,, So I'm basically a chef at Applebee's now if anyone needs anything.

   I took two years of Spanish in high school, so ordering off the Taco Bell menu is super easy for me.

   In light of recent news regarding 'A day without a woman' men everywhere a grateful just to have peace & quiet from a nagging mother-in-law

   I think about that Harry Potter line "the wand chooses the wizard" every time I'm reading a McDonald's menu.

   "WHAT DO WE WANT?"... FEWER QUESTIONS... "WHEN DO WE WANT IT?"... GODDAMNIT DAVE, WE'RE SERIOUS

   Whenever I have a bad day,,, I just remind myself that there are people out there who have their ex's name tattooed on their body

   Dear Airlines,,, We never REALLY tirned our phones off anyhow...................Signed,, EVERYONE

   When I'm bored, I like to superglue Doritos to my cat and make it run around the house like a stegosaurus.

   Accidental death from an overdose of laxatives would be... (remove your shades) ...a shi**y way to die.

   Dogs: can be trained to detect bombs... Cats: can be trained to poop in a box...... nough said

   BREAKING NEWS: Geologists locate mountain high enough... Valley low enough still elusive...

   I do great farts when I pull myself up in the bathtub.......... Do your stuff, eHarmony

   I don't know much about fashion,, So can I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.

   I sometimes eat pizza with a fork... Please love me anyway.

   Remember,,, If a three year old is quiet, they are usually trying to burn your house down and find batteries to eat

   Divorce changes you... For instance, it makes you single......... * Inspirational post

   Yes Timmy,, The universe contains protons, neutrons, electrons............ but mostly morons, the universe is FULL of morons..

   26 years later,, and we still haven't touched this

   My favorite Easter tradition is when Uncle Gary starts giving everyone Stone Cold Stunners a half hour after the deviled eggs are gone.

   I bought a teethbrush.... It's actually has saved me a lot of time.