Funny Status Messages

   Instagram … because our attention spans can't even handle 140 characters anymore.

   Intelligence always beats good looks. But just to be safe I've got both covered.

   I have an inferiority complex,,,,,, but it isn't a very good one.

   As an unemotional person, I never thought pieces of papers would make me cry until I started to pay my bills

   on the tv show "cheers" they claim its the place "where everybody knows your name"...i don't think they sold many beers at the bar if they could recall names

   If there was a zombie apocalypse, I would get eaten about halfway thru updating my facebook status about it.

   Happy Veterans Day! Sending out my gratitude to all those, past and present, who have the courage and drive to do something about the world's problems…. So basically, all those completely unlike me.

   When in doubt, put some booze in it.

   Hope for the best. Plan for the worst. Snack in between.

   I cant wait to watch Kristen Stewart's new movie. I hear she has a new facial expression in that one.

   Time to delete my Instagram account now... Also,, what's Instagram?"

   Anything with Friday in it can't be all bad. Now Monday the 13th, that's another story.

   From me you are getting A) gift card, B) nothing, C) disappointment or D) combination of A,B,C.

   Suggested Transformers 4 movie poster slogan: Your Suspicions Are Correct, We Hate You and Think You Are Stupid.

   Ladies if you want me, I'll be in the Friend zone driving under the speed limit as usual.

   I meant every drunken word... Whatever they were.

   We get it, media. Ben Affleck and Bill Mahr argued over Islam. Isn't there some real news to report??

   What's the best age to tell your kids that they have a weak rap game?

   Disappointed to learn it's not going to kill me ... because I'm done with waiting for it to make me stronger.

   If the Ferguson police used THC grenades instead of tear gas, you'd see a much different scene.