Snotty Funny Status Messages

   We crush the caterpillars,,, then complain there are no butterflies.

   Dear Catholic Church, the rhythm method is fine,,, but what about something for us white guys?

   Someone who dines in a diner is a diner........... I N C E P T I O N

   Like everbody,, I have an angel on one shoulder, and a devil on the other... Also, I'm also deaf in one ear... (sigh)

   The #Powerball is now at $1.4 BILLION.... That means you can finally stop putting off that billion dollar purchase you were thinking about.

   FYI: Push-up bras don't actually help you do more push-ups :(

   I still have a hard time believing that Land Down Under by Men At Work isn't Australia's national anthem.

   I just had a big lunch at Taco Bell... Now I'm off to the woods to prove a point.......... :Yogi Bear

   Our local Golden Corral "Chocolate Waterfall" was shut down tonight because the drain was clogged up with band aids again...FTW

   I just bought some jokes from IKEA,,,, I'm still not sure how to put them together with this Hex Thingy......

   My doctor told me that I'm healthy enough for sex but he thinks it would ruin our relationship,, and since things are already kinda strained ......... No..

   I can thwart just about ANY knock knock joke by answering, "Just a minute!",,,,, or " Come in,, it's open! "

   My doctor put me on a low sodium/no alcohol diet recently. I've lost 6 pounds so far... I also know joy weighs 6 pounds now.

   Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones... Hmmm,, You may NOT want in a phone that sets itself on fire,, to be water resistant guys.

   Girls are unique,,, they want you to know how they feel but they don't want to tell you

   I avoid becoming a hoarder by repeatedly getting married,, then losing half my crap in the divorce.

   You know the annual company meeting has gone completely downhill when someone suggests sacrificing a chicken.

   [Cow pushing 3 shopping carts out of store].. Ugh,,, Why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs

   When I die,, please set my smart car free in a Whole Foods parking lot

   I accidentally posted a rhetorical question on Facebook,,, Now I'm banging my head against the wall,, but on the bright side, I have a growing list of people to hide my posts from