Snotty Funny Status Messages

   Even though God is my co-pilot..... He also, is on the "no-fly" list.. Thanks Sadly, to His ties to several extremist groups..... You jerks

   I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something....... I forgot that I'm fat and can't run for more than 5 minutes

   Everyone knows you can just buy M&M's instead of trail mix,, right?

   Prediction: Entourage will be the 1st non 3D movie in history to have its entire audience watch in sunglasses

   My wife's great-great-grandmother on her mother's side was The Kracken

   "Lincoln" is doing well in the theatres... Historically this has not been true."

   OK..... Not making an Olympic Soccer joke today was one of my Gooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooals

   If I could be a superhero, I'd be Aluminum Man... My superpower would be foiling crime

   Hmmm,,, Is there any way we can get Trump in a "Truman Show" thing where he thinks he won and is president,,, and we can watch what he does?

   American Apparel is filing for bankruptcy again... The good news is that they're only a couple more bankruptcies away from running for President.

   Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. I'll be coloring your hair today. Prepare to dye.

   O.J Simpson has vowed to never stop searching for Malaysian Flight 370.

   Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart.... * Sorry it's so hard to read, I should really find a pen

   911: What is your emergency?... ME: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?... 911: Is this her 1st child?.. ME: No,, This is her husband.

   I heard that Hillary Clinton saw her shadow this morning,,, so it looks like we're getting six more weeks of pantsuits.

   Big shout out to fat dudes on crotch rockets for making us all laugh a little bit

   Qwertyuiopasdfghjklzxcvbnm backwards is mnbvcxzlkjhgfdsapoiuytrewq ,,,, Now 14% of you will proof this for accuracy,,, and then die alone.....Asses

   Hey,, just drank so much Gatorade, I could literally kick a basketball right now, or however sports work or whatever

   Tip: If you are ever involved in a murder and have to hide the body, don't hide it in the last spot they'll look,,, hide it in the spot after that

   (Around campfire with flashlight on face).... "Then they realized,, Adele was calling from inside the house!!"