Snotty Funny Status Messages

   I go to the Doctor daily,,,,,,,,, Cuz I just couldn't stand having to eat anymore apples

   Late every Sunday night, all other the stores in the mall go and tell Radio Shack not to worry about what other people think, they still love him

   Forget Morgan Freeman, I'd pay a king's ransom for an app. that would have Christopher Walken's voice read posts.

   TV show idea! We just air a live feed of old people using a smart phone for the first time.. We can call it "Where are the buttons?"

   16 yr old daughter: "Leave me alone dad"... Me: You don't want me hugging you?"... 16 year old daughter: (crying) "Hug Me, but leave me alone"..... *Woman training complete.

   All I'm sayin, is that I bet that divorce lawyers spent a lot of time staging electric train wrecks as kids

   Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes.... There's Circular pizzas, square pizzas, thin/thick crust, stuffed crust, extra toppings...... All beautiful really

   I just finished writing a book on monkeys... I DON'T recommend buying it though,,,,, monkeys make a TERRIBLE writing surface.

   Ahem,,,,, Now As a recovering kleptomaniac,,,, I know how to take a joke.

   I thought a skunk would be faster considering the racing stripes and all.... *continues to unload tomato soup cans at check out

   Gloria,,, Sometimes I still panic knowing that the rhythm is going to get me.

   Actually, officer,,, I prefer to think that PBR smells like me.

   Protip: Never mess with a man who leaves foam in a urinal.

   "DADDY NO!!! THE FLOOR IS LAVA!" ... *maintains eye contact.. *slides off couch onto floor.. *rolls around

   I just want to live in a world where I don't have to pay for extra cheese let alone even have to ask for it.... *my mom

   Fox announces third season renewal of “So You Think You Can Repeal Obamacare.”

   *buys 3D printer,,,,,, still can't make friends*

   Mom: You want some trail mix?........... Me: You mean M&Ms with obstacles?

   If I were a proctologist,,, I'd walk into every examining room with fake hook-hands, cuz,,,,,,,, well, you know

   My fondest childhood memories are having to stay at the kennel while my parents went off to all those Amway conventions