Snotty Funny Status Messages

   Don't worry, you'll never be lazier than the guy who named the washer and dryer.

   Please everyone,, Hit the "like" button for my friend Emma Lyon's bagged manure company... And her best selling product,, " Emma Lyon's Sack-o-Crap"

   cooking tip : not everyone can be a chef you know... you can order a pizza,, there is nothing shameful about giving up

   I know what I'm getting all my Mayan friends for Christmas!

   *walks into Starbucks.*.... "I'll have a large?.."... *alarm sounds, cage drops, baristas sharpen pitchforks*

   I use the men's restroom even though I'm a woman because I identify with waiting on a shorter line.

   I spend like 82% of cleanup time trying not to say "or it gets the hose again" after telling the kids to put toys in the basket.

   When I want to break up with a person, I wait until they're sitting in my car, then I press the button that disables the passenger air bag.

   It's kinda messed up to think that peanut butter sandwiches could take out a considerable portion of the population.

   Putting sunscreen on the neighbors solar panel

   Many moons ago,,, Apparently, We had more than one moon

   "Welcome to Turkey Club"... "first rule of Turkey Club is toast all three slices of bread, that way it doesn't get soggy and holds the mayo better"

   I don't know how the Green Bay Packers could have possibly lost that game with my dad shouting orders at the TV.

   Yesterday, Eugene Polly,, The inventor of the TV remote died.. I'd go to his funeral but it's WAY too far from my couch.

   The Ten Commandments would be way more awesome if they just changed the first one to "Yahweh or the Highway."

   My only argument with using the treadmill,, is that I can't run away from my farts.

   Mus in the 60s, orange in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s... * the history of tang

   There's got to be ALOT of pressure on Adele's new boyfriend to treat her like sh*t.

   BREAKING NEWS: Governor Orders Statewide Car Wash To Induce Rain.

   "Sorry, her mother is a pterodactyl" ..... *Me with the screeching toddler in the grocery store.