Snotty Funny Status Messages

   [job interview] Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish... Would you care to expand on that?

   Listen,,, If self-deprecation was a competitive sport,,, I probably wouldn't even get a medal.

   MyWife: Remove my dress..Good.. Now slowly unhook my bra.. Nice..Take off my panties.. Mmm great......NOW DON'T EVER WEAR MY CLOTHES AGAIN!

   Attention friends who don't understand humor,,, please do not attempt to reply to the posts of us who have humorous whit,,,, it's beyond your skill level.

   Here`s a bit of advice : advi

   Before you marry a person,, you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are.

   Does this 'I Beat Anorexia' T-Shirt make me look fat?

   How dare you incinerate that I don't know big words

   A sign language interpreter at a Trump rally just wildly swinging around both middle fingers in all directions as he speaks.

   My driver's license says I'm an organ donor but jokes on them because I'm actually a bass player.

   For God's sake! It would be nice if people with lazy eyes would put a Post-it flag on the eye they want me to look at when we're talking... I keep switching back and forth..

   I just farted real loud, and my car alarm went off.... Some guy is stealing my car but I wanted you guys to know about my fart.. Be right back.

   Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better... or worse?... How about now?,,, Better... or worse?

   The new white Iphone is so white, that all Siri talks about is Pumpkin Spice Lattes, and it instagrams all of your food automatically.

   WHAT,, Age is only a number??? I Don't think so asshat....."age" is a word...

   After all this time,,,How much Foo is there really left to fight?

   BTW: Is someone writing these down?... (my grandmother, after reading my status updates)

   I drink Gatorade when I'm dehydrated because it replaces lost sodium, potassium, and yellow #5.

   Girl Pro Tip: Save up to 80% on life by being born pretty.

   When Egypt had no internet, it was just called Gypt.